Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and realize how alone you are?
Do you ever toss and turn and realize that life is just whizzing by you and suddenly you don't know how you got to be the age you are?
Do you ever wonder how you will ever survive without your mom and dad?
Do you ever look at yourself and see someone you don't know?
Do you ever wish you had more faith in the after life?
Questions, fear, gripping, choking, always just a breath away...
I have always been so close to my mom...I'm one of those daughters that can even tell when she's not feeling well before actually knowing. I recall reading that some daughters are "fused" to their moms. I thought that was a rather negative term, but I guess we are fused. 
I would love to have had a daughter,,,,my one regret,,,but just wasn't meant to be which is fine. I love my sons as I've mentioned so many times here...but a daughter would have been nice too...probably more for selfish reasons though. She probably would have been someone very different from me..who knows?
I hope you are having a less pensive day than I am and I'm sorry to sound so down in the dumps...I'm not really...this post is just pouring out of me for some weird reason. It's that black cloud that follows me and just won't go away...but I promise the sun will be stronger and come out tomorrow.
13 comments:
Hi! Your blog post made me think. Both of my parents are gone and I have no fear of the afterlife, however, I do wonder how I got to be the age I am. I do feel like life is just whizzing me by. I had to reconnect with God to day in prayer to find the comfort I needed. May you also find comfort in Him. I don't mean to sound preachy, this is a genuine instance I'm sharing! ((Hugs)) to you my friend! :)
yes I have had these moments, those nights.
I absolutely know 100% what you are talking about with your Mom. I lost mine 2 years ago and it is still THE most devastating experience. We were "fused" as well. The bond was amazingly strong, I knew her backwards and forwards and also knew even when something was "off" with her just by her hello. She loved unconditionally and she was amazing! I could never imagine my life without her...it still isn't entirely real.
NOW, Now my husband is talking about "when he retires" and I told him just tonight..."but you don't understand, I am not ready to be a grown up. I am not mentally prepared for that word,that concept." Here we are at 55 and 57 and truly I sometimes still feel just Mom's little girl. Kinda odd, I know.
Hold tight to yours...soak in every moment....write down her wisdom and memories and take tons of photos and hug her and hug her and hug her!
I hope the clouds lift soon....because as corny as this sounds...the sun will come out again.
hugs.
(((Betzie))) I think we all have those moments...I often think "how did I get to be 52?" and wonder where time goes and what lies ahead. I have no fears anymore -- I have faced the worst and know that I can bear anything else. If there is "fear" (and I wouldn't use that word) it would be about my children...their safety and their well being.
Sending you blessings for your pondering thoughts and a happy heart.
These are the most important questions in life! Of course you have to think of them sometimes! I was always wondering how to cope without my mother. When she died quite unexpectedly 12 years ago I was shocked. Like she was immortal actually and now played the wrong trick. It devided my life in halves...before that when I was innocent and happy and after when I realized that life sucked (sorry it felt like that!). And then I realized that my mother gave me the tools to cope. She was such a caring mother that I had to be cheerful and caring again to my kids. Her presence is in so many things, but I still miss her. When my mother was alive we said: I love you to each other a lot of times, the truth is you cannot tell your parents enough. Enjoy them and think they are immortal, in some way they will be!
I do know those feelings! Especially the one where I look in the mirror and don't know that person looking back at me! I lost my mom many years ago and still miss her today even though we weren't "fused"....she kept a lot of things to herself. Now my daughter is doing the same thing and reminds me often of my mom.
I hope you're feeling some sunshine by now. Dark clouds only linger for a little while.
Hi Betzie, your post mirrors some of my thoughts and days exactly. But, I think we all, at some point, feel this way as we grow older and watch our loved ones age or leave for a better shore!
Maybe it is part of our creative nature to go down this path once in awhile. God always reigns me back in and I know he does you as well. Sending you big hugs dear friend.
Thank you for stopping by and best wishes for a great 2009.
I got my redos finished and will post them soon. Had computer troubles too and getting that fixed tomorrow. Yippe!!
See you soon.
Cheers~~ Celestina Marie
This is a beautiful post Betzie. I think we have all had moments like this. It is never a downer when you share from your heart.
Blessings!
Nancy
I miss my Mother, we had so little in common, but the love always was there. I always called her when something special was going on or just to hear her voice.
I am lonely for her, I was always lonely for her.
Hugs, Mary
I think it is very common to have those thoughts, but it is not good to dwell on them. Gods word tells us to "think on whatsoever is just,
true, lovely, and of a good report"
and to encourage ourselves in the Lord. When I am having a "down time
I like to remind myself that the mercy of the Lord is new every morn
ing.My moms been gone since 1985, I still miss her. BE BLESSED
Yes, Yes and Yes
I have to be careful because these feelings can easily overtake all... I do have thse feelings they seem to come in spurts... realizing that my life will be over before I know it...wow that's a powerful thought.. thanks to God for the faith to continue on knowing that HE is in control!
HUGS
I hear so many women talk about their issues with their mothers and I always think about how fortunate I am to have scored such a loving mother. She's not a perfect person, but in all the important ways, she did it right. We have a very easy relationship. I didn't exactly regret only having sons but I did think a daughter would have been nice, to pass on all those happy memories to a new generation. I don't know how old your sons are but, never say never. I ended up with not only my sons but a stepdaughter who has no other mother than me, a DIL who considers me both her friend and her mom, and now I'm up to FOUR beautiful granddaughters!!! (and three fantastic grandsons as well). I've been able to "mother" a number of other young women as well. You just never know.
How are you feeling, has the sun come out yet?
Wonderful blog.
Renee
Now I know I have said yes to all of the above before, but I just wanted to stop by to hear how your Mom and Dad are doing. Hope all are well.
Love Renee
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